If only I’d known I had a choice, I wouldn’t have come here to the care home.

I could have told them what I really would like, but I just had to fit in with what they wanted. They didn’t say it to my face but I’m sure they had me down as one of those bed blockers. And my family said I must not go on living alone.

What I’ve always wanted is to be in my own home with my own front door. I know I need a bit of help now, but I would like to choose who helps me and who comes into my home. I don’t have a big pension but my house is worth a bit now. They did tell me it would cost too much to have full-time help at home, but I might have been able to find a way to pay for what I really wanted.

This place is not my real home and I wish I wasn’t here.But my house is sold now so there’s no going back. And it’s going to take all my money to pay to live somewhere I don’t really want to be.

So if you say choices to me, I say ‘what choices?’. To have a choice, you have to have information and you have to have good advice.

If I was rich, I’d have lots of choice. It’s not that I’m really poor, but I’m not rich either. I can only pay what I’ve got and hope I don’t live too long.

I don’t want my money to run out before I die.

This piece is based on feelings expressed by older people at creative writing sessions arranged by our ‘Action for Health – Senior Citizens in Newcastle’ group and other associated groups. Some of the writing has been published as group poems. We have also used some of the material in a performance, ‘If I need to be Cared For – Some Voices of Older People’, which we have used at conferences and in training sessions with student nurses and social workers to provoke discussion about user involvement in services and ageist attitudes.

This article is filed under Experiences of the care system

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